Meandering thoughts of existence

Let me start of by saying, this is my first blog in the last 11 months and many elements in my life have changed in these past few months some for the better while the others for the worse. Gone are the days when I would daydream about an idealistic world, where there was money for all your materialistic flights of the imagination, and dreams were reality

I was told that I would change with time and I would walk away giving everyone around my definition of sarcasm, but much to my displeasure, I have just realized how much I have changed in the past few month. My ego is having a hard time accepting this change hitting back at me tirelessly leaving me in a state of constant flux. I find my self diving head first into a filthy pool of materialism and drudge. Gone are the days when I actually believed my subsistence would be of some significance to people around me and I would live a life meaning rather than a life of happiness (referring to living for the moment). To tell you the truth Life has turned into the most mundane color of Grey, just like every inch of space you can see in my office (Pun intended). But believe me I have tried hard to pull myself out of this grind but to no avail, Road trips to Mysore with my comrades from Hell did help me pull my head above this monotony of life just for a few hours, only to let go and drop me back into my pool of senseless mechanical existence. Some how even the luminescent shards of happiness seem to have lost their charm.

Never did I realize living a life could be so simple and so difficult. Simple because all you did was live one day at a time and difficult because the amount of nothingness and meaninglessness is overwhelming. Life seems to be in a state where the sound of silence is deafening and upsetting, where the comfort of doing nothing is discomforting. All these days I believed somewhere in my heart money can’t buy you happiness but it sure as hell is the means to get happy, Only to realize how naïve I was. I now realize money takes away time and without time for yourself there is no happiness, well the very fact that I’ am blogging after 7 months since I took up work with JCN (with the eight stripes) justifies my argument. However the irony lies in the fact that I work longer than most of my batch mates and earn the least amount of money (Well I’m partly to blame, “It’s the brand name that matters more than the packet”,) I call it my ignorance and leave it at it. But me being me I can surely say JCN is not to blame and I would be in the same state had it been any other org’n instead of JCN.

However on the other side of the coin I realize I have learnt a lot more in these past 7 month than I have done in the last couple of years. I walked in to the corporate office in some weird kind of dress that I thought was suitable with a slight swagger to my walk, and now I look at my self in the mirror, only to see an extremely refined version of me (Not that I think very highly of myself now but just trying to express the change). I have also realized I have matured (I will go with the word it even though it’s risky to use that word with me) appreciably in my decision making skills thinking before doing compared to contrary.

I realized that it would be in a this state 5-7 years into the job and Once I hit that state I would leap and let the air take me, but I realize I’am pretty stagnated in this state within the first seven months. Come to think of it I think its me who is demanding too much, If it was interesting and fun to do it wouldn’t be a job and they wouldn’t pay you to do itJ. But If I dig deep I realize I have to stay here for at least another year and ensure that these urges I have are real and not something I have hallucinated about.

Trying to make sense on meandering thoughts

- innocent Bystander

I will leave you with a beautiful song from Floyd – Shine on ……

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!